Starbucks to Offer Coffee Enemas

SEATTLE, WA—The nation’s largest food and drink retailer Starbucks will soon offer coffee enemas, the company announced on Friday.

Customers unmoved by the high caffeine content of a Venti espresso roast or Trenta Cold Brew will now have more menu options, explained Starbucks spokesperson Sequoia Moon-Smith.

The chain will feature several exciting new selections, including “Pike Place Shuffle” and “Thirty Seconds of Sumatra.”

Moon-Smith noted that customers opting for these beverage alternatives may first want to make sure that store’s restroom is not already occupied by a nonpaying customer.

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