Fire Department Responds to Mass Casualty Incident after Academy Awards

HOLLYWOOD—City Fire units responded to multiple 911 calls at the Dolby Theater immediately following the 89th Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday night in what quickly became a “mass casualty incident,” according to department spokesman Ryan Humphreys.

The Fire Department’s dispatch center was inundated with frantic calls placed from backstage even as the final credits rolled. When units arrived on scene, fire crews found dozens of celebrities in the wings, proscenium, and even wandering the stage itself complaining of various minor injuries and medical issues resulting from a protracted night of self-congratulation and mutual adulation. 

“It was complete chaos backstage,” Humphreys said of the horrific scene. 

Fire officials immediately declared a mass casualty incident, established unified command, and began triaging the human carnage.

“We had dozens of celebrities with severely dislocated shoulders from patting themselves on the back all night, an actress who reported being short of breath after delivering a long-winded acceptance speech vilifying President Trump, an actor whose delicate hand was crushed when he accepted a congratulatory handshake from a real man, and even a PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant who was pale, cool, and diaphoretic,” said Humpreys. “The accountant had also lost bowel control,” he grimly added.

The entire cast and crew of “La La Land” suffered a syncopal event after they won and then quickly lost the award for Best Picture and producer Jordan Horowitz announced the wrong envelope had been read.

Late, unconfirmed reports stated that presenter Warren Beatty nearly died of embarrassment and is now on life support at Cedars Sinai Medical Center.

Even those not directly involved in the show’s embarrassing finale complained that the last two minutes were “excruciatingly painful to watch” and had to be transported to a nearby hospital for evaluation.

The confused awards show host Jimmy Kimmel attempted to render aid but it quickly became apparent that neither he nor any other of the Hollywood celebrities present had any actual, useful, real-world skills.

“It was insane,” said Humpreys. “Every year the Detroit Fire Department bitches about the devastation on ‘Devil’s Night’ but they have no idea what a bloodbath the Academy Awards is.”

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As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...