Trump Doubles Down on Times Square Killing Remark

BRENTWOOD, CA—Apparently frustrated by losing lead-story status during the most recent news cycle, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump has openly admitted to committing multiple murders.

After Los Angeles police detectives announced late last week that they had recovered a knife possibly connected to the 1994 slayings of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, Trump quickly found himself relegated to the back pages of national newspapers, and, on 24 hour cable news channels, the second story after the first commercial break. Even after last week’s bruising debate on Fox News which opened with frank discussion about the size of Trump’s weiner, the former reality TV star came up disappointingly short on coverage for the week.

On Saturday morning, Trump scrambled to regain his stranglehold on national discourse by holding a hastily arranged press conference and announcing that he had committed many heinous murders, including those of former business partners, Wall Street investors, and several transvestite hookers. The business mogul had previously alluded to only a single killing in Times Square.

But in his characteristically strident style, Trump openly derided O.J. Simpson, dismissing the former NFL star and accused killer as “a complete amateur.”

“Look, I love O.J. I really do. He and I have always been great, great friends,” said Trump. “I personally donated hundreds of thousands of dollars for his so-called ‘dream team’ defense, which quite frankly almost turned out to be a nightmare. But look, he only butchered two people. Two. I mean, come on. I’ve slaughtered dozens of people. Dozens. With my own hands. Which are quite large, I can promise you.”

The initial response from journalists attending the presser “was tremendous,” a Trump aide later claimed. Fox News’ Sean Hannity immediately committed to a two hour-long prime time special delving into the bloody crimes. And MSNBC has announced that it will finally reveal the number of deaths Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton is responsible for.


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Third Graders Push Back on Trump

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH--The National Coalition of American Third Graders released a statement this afternoon asking that political pundits refrain from comparing Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump to third graders. The Coalition's statement comes in apparent response to remarks made earlier in the day by former GOP nominee Mitt Romney at University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics Forum, when Romney referred to Trump's "absurd third grade theatrics."

Said Coalition spokesperson nine year-old Madison Parker, "We third graders get good citizenship marks on our progress reports. We play well with others, cooperate with classmates, listen with our ears, don't call others bad names, and share our crayons. Cafeteria food fights are rare," she added. 

In fact, if grown-ups are looking for an age group to scapegoat when attempting to describe Trump's juvenile behavior, Parker suggested they look to junior high students. "My big brother is in seventh grade, and he is disrespectful and uses bad words," noted Parker.

"Do not!" shouted Tanner Parker from the back seat when reached for comment. 

"Do too!" Ms. Parker further claimed.

This latest controversy comes just one week after prison inmates rights activists demanded that Republicans stop characterizing Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton as a criminal. "She ain't one of us until that bitch be wearing an orange jump suit," insisted Robert Wayne Nix, who is currently serving time at a Federal SuperMax.

"Oooooh, he said a bad word!" Ms. Parker later observed in a email response sent from her mother's iPhone.

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